For some, actor Sanjay Dutt’s assertion just days ago that women should take their husband’s surname after they marry, is proof of his archaic thinking. But he finds surprisingly high levels of support as well. There are many who believe, like Dutt, that a woman does not have the right to choose her surname.
“A person’s name is his identity. In some states in north India, it’s customary for the husband or in-laws to change even the bride’s first name. By doing so, she’s made to surrender in her marriage,” says Ranjana Kumari, director of Delhi’s Centre for Social Research. “If Dutt feels that a woman shows respect by assuming the husband’s name, why doesn’t he take on his wife’s name to show her respect,” she asks.
Some women adopt their husband’s name because they want to. But many elect to retain their maiden name or hyphenate it with the husband’s surname. The irony is that both decisions invite criticism. Women who change their surnames are accused of giving up a ‘feminist right’. Those who don’t change their names are criticized for departing from established practice. Clearly, several decades after feminism breached many barriers around the world, Indian women are still denied the unchallenged right to choose.
Even urban educated women are plagued by self-doubt and confusion over the choices allowed to them. Architect Nina Seth, 32, opted to stay single but now admits to second thoughts. “My parents are understanding but never gave up their wish to get me married. As for myself, I am enjoying my single life in Delhi. But I also fear loneliness later in life.”
But media professional Kavita Narayan, 28, resents the expectations that come with marriage. “My in-laws want me to wear saris, sindoor and bangles, though I don’t want to. Why can’t they accept me as I am?”
These are issues of personal choice and they affect women in public life, who are often held up as role models. Feminist opinion is divided over US First Lady Michelle Obama’s decision to give up a successful career to support her husband’s run for the presidency. She may embody the modern conundrum: how best can a woman balance public life with a private one as wife and mother.
Rachida Dati, the French minister for justice, didn’t have it much easier. Dati returned to work last month, just five days after she had a baby, leaving feminists foaming at the mouth. They denounced her as a traitor to the cause of women and hard-won rights to maternity leave could be undermined if a high-profile new mother returns to work early. But many others might applaud Dati’s calm professional determination to balance life as a mother with that as a government minister. However, her poor performance has cost her the job. It was reported on Saturday that Dati has been forced to quit the government and run for the European Parliament in June.
These mixed messages add to the confusion women feel as they make personal choices. Is feminism at war with feminity? Are western clothes, for example, a sign of modernity and feminism? Or do they sexualize a woman and make her a traitor to the cause?
“When women change apparel, they become more modern in outlook,” says Kumari. “But the same cannot be said of men who adopted western apparel much earlier than women.” Kumari does not believe that feminism creates boundaries for women. “Feminism is not a threat to society, but a vision of equality between men and women.”
That may be a distant dream still in a man’s world. For now, few Indian women rock the boat. The National Family Health Survey-3, covering the year from 2005, found that two of every five married women are subject to domestic abuse; just 1% initiate action against their husbands.
So too domestic responsibilities, which remain the same for housewives and women who work outside the home. Looking after the children and the house are considered the woman’s responsibility even though she may work the same hours as her husband. It is a form of subordination, admits Kumari. “You cannot have a better relationship when one is considered subordinate to the other,” says Kumari.
Even the supremely efficient Indian career woman still finds it hard to choose her husband. UK doctor Shrini Ghosh is marrying her boyfriend this year. Her parents, back home in Bengal, opposed the wedding for seven years because Ghosh’s beloved is not Hindu. “I have lost so many years and I don’t know who to blame,” says Shrini, 34.
Underprivileged women have it even worse. Poor and illiterate, they lack control over their reproductive lives and cannot prevent the abortion of female fetuses.
But Kumari says there’s hope because “women come up with their own defensive mechanisms and are challenging family norms”. Now they need to find the strength to stop living double lives — wanting a choice but not saying they do.
Courtesy: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Sunday_TOI/Where_is_freedom_in_todays_feminism/articleshow/4028069.cms
Forget yourself for others, and others will never forget you.
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